Toaseen Rehmat
For many people, successful rearing of their children is one of the greatest achievements. Parents provide their children with a sense of security and encourage them to become independent functioning adults. However, the child’s growing independence means that parents must deal wilth numerous issues.Raising an adolescent child in contemporary society is a complex process which is influenced by several factors that reside both within and outside individuals.
As narrated by Nazia, a mother of two school aged childern ,” I struggle with how many chores to assign, how much allowance to give, whether their friends are good influences,and what to do about problems at school.And then there is the challenge of how to keep a track of them when they are out of the house or even when they are home and I,m not there to see what’s going on.”
When Ahmad entered high school, his relationship with his parents changed drastically.Although relations were quite good earlier, by the middle of the 7th grade, tensions grew.In Ahmad’s view, instead of giving him more freedom, which he felt he deserved at age 13, they actually seemed to be getting more restrictive. From the parents’ point of view, Ahmad with whom they had established a stable relationship throughout much of his childhood, suddenly seemed transformed.
Puberty brings increased parent- child conflict, which occurs for both biological and cognitive reasons.Teenagers’ improved ability to reason about social relationships add to family chaos.Teenagers de-idealize their parents, they no longer bend as easily to parental authority as they did at earlier ages.One outcome of this shift is that adolescents regard many matters(such as cleaning up their rooms, coming and going from home,schoolwork,clothes,money,friends) as their own personal business, whereas parents continue to think of these as shared concerns.Disagreements are harder to settle when parents and adolescents approach situations from such different perspectives.
A common complaint of adolescents is that their parents treat them like kids.Most teenagers push as hard as they can for adult privileges and freedom.They want to feel that they can make their own decisions, and run their own lives, without their parents always telling them what to do.
Just as teenagers feel tension between dependency on their parents and the need to break away, parents too have mixed feelings often.They want their children to be independent, yet they find it hard to let go.Parents have to walk a fine line between giving adolescents enough independence, and at the same time protecting them from immature lapses in judgement.Moreover, adolescents are not the only family members undergoing a major life transition. Many parents who have reached their forties are changing as well.While teenagers face a boundless future and a wide array of choices, their parents must come to terms with the fact that half their life is over and possibilities are narrowing.Thus, the pressures experienced by each generation act in opposition to one another.
Many of the problems between parents and adolescents can be solved if both are able to communicate with one another.Parents complain their teenagers never listen to them.Teenagers say that their parents lecture them or preach them rather than discuss issues with them.Adolescents need parents who will grant them autonomy in slowly increasing amounts as they learn to use it responsibly.Adolescents become insecure and confused when they lack boundaries and clear guidelines.Such youth may show anti-social and delinquent behaviour.A distinction should be made between psychological control and behavioural control.Adolescents need a mixture of both types of control.They need an adequate degree of psychological autonomy so that they can learn that they are effective competant individuals.At the same time they also need sufficient regulation of behaviour to enable them to learn that social interaction is governed by rules and structures that must be recognised and adhered to be competant members of the society.
To ensure a conducive parent-child relatiopnship, the following principles should be adopted:
* Foster children’s positive tendencies through rich and varied academic, social,and spiritual experiences.
* Inculcate moral values to enable children make wise choices.
* Guide and monitor from a distance and effectively communicate expectations with your children.
* Insist on important rules, norms and values but be willing to listen, explain and negotiate.
* Adapt parenting to help children overcome unfavourable dispositions and circumstances.
* Be interested in what they are doing and give moral and emotional support when necessary.
* Encourage individual responsibility, decision making, initiative and autonomy.
* Do away with physical punishment, deprivation and threats.
* Strive to create a happy home environment.
(The author is presently working as Social Welfare Officer in the Department of Social Welfare, J&k Govt.)
Follow our WhatsApp channel
