Dr. Raminder Jit Singh
The self-destruction or killing one’s own self is termed as suicide. According to World Health Organization, nearly 3,000 people commit suicide each day worldwide – out of every 20 people who attempt to end their lives, one dies. It is estimated that every person who commits suicide leaves behind six to eight people who will be severely affected by the death. In India, it is estimated that one in 60 persons are affected by suicide; it includes both, those who have attempted suicide and those who have been affected by the suicide of a close family or friend.
The grief that accompanies any death is compounded by incomprehension, guilt and anger to a degree far beyond the experience of those who have lost loved ones to accidents or natural causes. In most cases, it will take the suicide survivor much longer to come to terms with the loss. Most activities for suicide prevention are focused on persons at risk of suicide. However, in recent years there has been an increasing recognition that suicide survivors also need equal attention.
Suicide is not a subject with which most people are comfortable. But the reticence stemming from this discomfort is likely to be misjudged by the survivor as either disapproval or rejection stemming from the stigma that still attaches to suicide. Never forget that dealing with someone trying to cope with what is almost certainly the worst experience of a lifetime. I, you and everybody in the Society can help survivors of the suicide. If one is sincere in his/her commitment to help, be prepared for a significant investment in time, emotional energy and do follow certain points:
Being patient is the key. Suicide survivors, as the first step in the grieving process, must come to terms with a conscious, cruel act that took away a loved one. The survivor is likely to become almost obsessive in talking about the event to a nonjudgmental listener. Repetitive and unproductive as this may seem to the listener, it is a normal part of the grieving process for the suicide survivor. By replaying the event, he or she is seeking – and will ultimately find – some accommodation with it. Your role as a listener is much more important, as you listen to what seems to be an unvarying recounting of the same event again and again.
Speak of the deceased. Discouraging the survivor from thinking of the lost loved one is of no point. His or her life is dominated by those memories during the grieving process. Try to bring up pleasant memories of the deceased during such talks, so that he or she appears as a whole person, not just a single, tragic event.
Initiate discussion on the survivor’s own suicidal thoughts. Suicidal ideation is common among survivors of suicide. Be assured that you are not risking “putting the idea in his /her head” by raising the subject.
Don’t challenge the survivor’s unrealistic defense mechanisms. Denial, evasion and outright lying about the death may be part of the survivor’s approach to coping with it in the most painful early stages of the grieving process. Understand that knowing what is true and being able to deal with it can be very different things. Listen patiently, do everything in your capacity to win the mourner’s confidence and wait for this stage to pass. If it appears that the denial is becoming a permanent delusion, find a way to supportively suggest that he or she seek a professional help.
Don’t preach. Any sentence prefaced by the phrase “If I were in your shoes, I would…” will be resented. It will also be foolish on your part to preach on such an occasion. You don’t know how you would respond to such an event. And guessing is presumptuous and condescending.
Find community and professional resources available. Even the most well-meaning friends and relatives may not be able to provide all the support a suicide survivor needs. Research the availability of competent counselors or medical professionals in your community. Determine whether there is a local suicide survivor support organization. These support organizations can undertake the task of informing and educating the public about the problem of suicide through various mass media like television, radio, newspapers, magazines, etc. The humane touch and elderly advice of the personnel of these centers can help a lot on providing solace to the individuals.
According to historian Arnold Toynbee, “There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved.” Remember – Please do not ignore the latter.
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