B L Razdan
“A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbour – such is my idea of happiness.” (Leo Tolstoy)
We have all heard it before that True Happiness comes from within. These words are indeed true, but in reality, most people endeavour to seek happiness outside of themselves. They look for something or some person to bring them happiness or wait for some special event or milestone to occur in their lives, that they hope will usher in happiness in their life. People often feel that ‘when I buy a house’, ‘when I get a new car’,’ when I change job’, ‘when I fall in love’, ‘when I graduate’, ‘when I lose some weight’, ‘when I get my promotion’, etc. etc., ‘then I will be happy!’ But the stark truth that must be known is that people may come and go, possessions will get old, marriages work, marriages fail, new jobs do not pan out, relationships change, fortunes are made or are lost and so many changes happen while we hope to achieve happiness contingent upon the happening of an event. We fail to realise that with time, everything changes. Life is indeed fluid. So, how do we find real happiness and how do we hold on to it so that it does not easily escape our everyday living? We are often so busy trying to find it that we sometimes forget what happiness is really all about. Is it about having our needs met and not worrying about the future? Is it about finding the kind of work are passionate about? Is it meeting the right people who can finally understand us and never leave our side?
We may define it subconsciously; maybe we can all agree that happiness rarely becomes a permanent thing in our lives. If it were, why would we be constantly searching for it? We search for happiness in a variety of things. We search for it from the very day we can think of something we desire. As we grew up, we thought about how happiness resides in various other things we wanted to have: passing our final examination, being admired by our peers, getting the attention of that special person we liked. Isn’t it funny that happiness still seemed so far away no matter how many of our dreams we had realised and objectives achieved? We finally graduated from the school, but we are still unhappy because we are worried about being hired. We finally get hired but we are still unhappy because we worry about getting promoted. We finally get promoted but we are still unhappy because we worry about the responsibilities attached to our new position.
If we are honest to ourselves, maybe we can find enough memories to tell us that somewhere along the way, we have also felt happy. We have been there, but we rarely remember. We have tasted it, but we simply let it go. It is a good thing that we cannot be happy all of the time.
In the 1990s, Martin Seligman, a psychologist, led the positive psychology movement, which placed the study of human happiness and living a good life squarely at the centre of psychological research and theory. It continued a trend that began in the 1960s with humanistic and existential psychology which emphasized the importance of reaching one’s innate potential and creating meaning in one’s life, respectively. Since then, thousands of studies and hundreds of books have been published with the goal of increasing well-being and helping people lead more satisfying lives. So why aren’t we happier? Why have self-reported measures of happiness stayed stagnant for over 40 years? Perversely, such efforts to improve happiness could be a futile attempt to swim against the tide, as we may actually be programmed to be dissatisfied most of the time.
Part of the problem is that happiness is not just one thing. Jennifer Hecht is a philosopher who studies the history of happiness. In her book ‘The Happiness Myth’, Hecht proposes that we experience different types of happiness, but these do not always go together. In fact, some types of happiness may even conflict with one another. In other words, having too much of one type of happiness may undermine our ability to have enough of the others – so it is impossible for us to simultaneously have all types of happiness in great quantities. For example, a satisfying life built on a successful career and a good marriage is something that unfolds over a long period of time. It takes a lot of work, and it often requires avoiding hedonistic pleasures like partying or going on spur-of-the-moment trips. It also means you can’t while away too much of your time spending one pleasant lazy day after another in the company of good friends. So, keeping your nose to the grindstone demands that you cut back on many of life’s pleasures. Relaxing days and friendships may fall by the wayside. As happiness in one area of life increases, it will often decline in another.
This dilemma is further confounded by the way our brains process the experience of happiness. We have all started a sentence with the phrase “Won’t it be great when…” (I go to college, fall in love, have kids, etc.). Similarly, we often hear older people start sentences with the phrase “Wasn’t it great when…” Think about how seldom you hear anyone say, “Isn’t this great, right now?” Surely, our past and future aren’t always better than the present. Yet we continue to think that this is the case. These are the bricks that wall off harsh reality from the part of our mind that thinks about past and future happiness. Religions have been constructed from them. Whether we’re talking about our ancestral Garden of Eden (when things were great!) or the promise of unfathomable future happiness in Heaven, eternal happiness is always the carrot dangling from the end of the divine stick. There’s evidence that our brains do indeed operate this way; many of us possess something called the optimum bias, which is the tendency to think that our future will be better than our present.
Cognitive psychologists have also identified something called the Pollyanna Principle. It means that we process, rehearse and remember pleasant information from the past more than unpleasant information., who often fixate on past failures and disappointments. For most of us, however, a key reason that the good old days seem so good is that we focus on the pleasant stuff and tend to forget the day-to-day unpleasantness. Thus, our memories of the past are often distorted, viewed through rose-coloured glasses.
These delusions about the past and the future could be an adaptive part of the human psyche, with innocent self-deceptions actually enabling us to keep striving. If our past is great and our future can be even better, then we can work our way out of the unpleasant – or at least, mundane – present. All of this tells us something about the fleeting nature of happiness. Emotion researchers have long known about something called the hedonic treadmill. We work very hard to reach a goal, anticipating the happiness it will bring. Unfortunately, after a brief fix we quickly slide back to our baseline, ordinary way-of-being and start chasing the next thing we believe will almost certainly – and finally – make us happy.
Nevertheless, studies of lottery winners and other individuals at the top of their game – those who seem to have it all – regularly throw cold water on the dream that getting what we really want will change our lives and make us happier. These studies found that positive events like winning a million bucks and unfortunate events such as being paralyzed in an accident often do not significantly affect an individual’s long-term level of happiness. Assistant professors who dream of attaining tenure and lawyers who dream of making partner often find themselves wondering why they were in such a hurry. After finally publishing a book, it was distressing for me to realize how quickly my self-concept went from being I am a guy who wrote a book! to I am a guy who has only written one book.
But this is how it should be, at least from an evolutionary perspective. Dissatisfaction with the present and dreams of the future are what keep us motivated, while warm fuzzy memories of the past reassure us that the feelings we seek can be had. In fact, perpetual bliss would completely undermine our will to accomplish anything at all; among our earliest ancestors, those who were perfectly content may have been left in the dust. This shouldn’t be depressing; quite the contrary. Recognizing that happiness exists – and that it is a delightful visitor that never overstays its welcome – may help us appreciate it more when it arrives. Furthermore, understanding that it is impossible to have happiness in all aspects of life can help you enjoy the happiness that has touched you.
Why does happiness seem so elusive? First, let us get you rewired a little, so to speak. Happiness is a transient state or occurrence that is converted to an emotion. We call that emotion happiness. It certainly is not a state of being. The ultimate goal is actually to be content. Contentment is a more static state. Happiness is based on something going on at a particular time. One can be happy, but still not be content. Happiness is really more like a fix that comes and goes. Contentment is much deeper, which is really the question and a great one. Contentment is not given to you by anyone. You give it to yourself by learning how to obtain it. But to make this work, you have to be clear on the difference between happiness and contentment. You had a great date. You got nice gifts for Christmas. You got a raise. All these trigger emotions we convert to happiness. Like a glass of water you drink, it is gone, you are thirsty again. You need more water. The difference between happiness and contentment is that whereas Happiness is the experience of frequent positive thoughts, such as joy, interest or pride, Contentment is generally longer lasting, deeper feeling of satisfaction and gratitude.
Always remember: true and real happiness comes to you by starting from where you are right at this moment in life. Not tomorrow, not some time “if” or “when” something happens. To be really happy you must take stock of what you already have, and truly appreciate what is right in front of you and learn to be grateful for everything you are and have.
(The author is formerly of the Indian Revenue Service, retired as Director General of Income Tax (Investigation), Chandigarh. )
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