Ashok Ogra
“BROAD MINDED BUT NON-FEMINIST, 27 YEAR BANK OFFICER
INTERESTED IN PROFESSIONAL BRAHMIN BOY. MUST BE A VEGETARIAN AND TEETOTALLER.”
“A HINDU NADAR, 31 YEAR IT PROFESSIONAL SEEKS A BUBBLY TAMIL GIRL.”
“FUN LOVING,26, 5′.4”, WANTS A GOOD LOOKING PROFESSIONAL PUNJABI BOY- PREFERABLY MBA. FAMILY SHOULD BE BROAD MINDED AND NOT PLACE ANY RESTRICTIONS ON DRESSING.”
“WANTED HOMELY BUT EDUCATED FAIR LOOKING GIRL IN MID- THIRTIES FOR 42 YEAR AGARWAL BOY, MANAGING OWN BUSINESS IN JAIPUR. BOY INNOCENT DIVORCEE.”
One wonders if these people, so inflexible in their demands, get any responses to their matrimonial advertisements.
Thousands of such advertisements reflect social changes that are coming to society. For example, although women are still usually described in terms of appearance, or skills in “the wifely arts,” the issue of their earning power is creeping into more of the advertisements, reflecting the acceptance of the working wife on the Indian scene.
Matrimonial ads are not unique to South Asia.
In Russia, the tradition to arrange marriages through matchmakers and relatives was prevalent till the early 20th century. Here is an example of an earlier ad from a Russian newspaper:
“EDUCATED YOUNG, 21 YEAR OLD LADY, IS LOOKING FOR A MILLIONAIRE HUSBAND, HAS TO BE SENIOR, TO PREVENT ADULTERY.”
In India, every Sunday morning, millions settle down with a cup of tea/coffee and the Sunday issues of their newspapers. Many of them turn quickly to the columns of matrimonial advertisements in which young people seek bride and bridegrooms.
While Generation Z is more inclined towards online dating and other social media sites to find their match, their parents still trust the age-old newspapers when it comes to arranged marriage.
A closer look reveals a window into Indian culture, its castes, and social taboos.
The first and most important principle is mention of caste affiliation (castes are presented alphabetically in newspaper advertisements: Agarwal, Brahmins, Kshatriyas etc…
Rarely does one come across the Dalit category.
The second publication rule is mentioning a community. The term `community’ – Bengali, Punjabi, Kyastha, etc- is sometimes used as a synonym for caste.
The third refers to the professions that are always stated. Most often Indian parents are looking for health workers, software engineers, bank employees, and specialists holding an MBA degree.
Religions are also indicated (Christian, Muslim, Hinduism).
As an indication of the slight loosening of the grip of the rigid caste system, a number of advertisements promise “caste no bar,” or “girl’s merit will be the main consideration.”
Because the institution of dowry is now illegal-although the fathers of many bridegrooms still insist upon it -some advertisements specify “no dowry,” or “simple marriage,” which means the same thing.
Another principle is placing advertisements of the more ‘open-minded’ Indians. This can happen due to the applicants’ general more progressive attitude to marriage, their previous divorce and having children.
A peculiar status in this rubric is being a Manglik, as such, marriage is believed to bring misfortune.
Divorce, which used to be all but unheard of in India, is sometimes now mentioned in print although the best face is put on it, as in the case of a woman whose advertisement explained that she had been “the innocent party” when her marriage broke up.
From the 1600s – when the first known lonely hearts ad appeared in
UK newspapers – through the early 20th century, ads seeking marriage (and other types of relationships) flourished in the papers across the world.
Placing a matrimonial advertisement in the newspaper was an alternative to traditional courtship. Initially, publishing a matrimonial advertisement in the newspaper was considered undignified and the last option for those unsuccessful men and women who had passed their age and were yet to find a partner.
The usual contact details in these matrimonial ads were always those of a third party who would negotiate between the advertiser and his/ her applicant to maintain secrecy.
The ads were as varied as the people who placed them. The Morning Post of London of June 25,1823 carried the following ad:
“A NOBLEMAN OF HIGH RANKING WISHES TO MARRY A LADY OF FORTUNE, WHOSE AGE DOES NOT EXCEED 35. THE NEGOTIATIONS MAY BE CARRIED ON THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF A THIRD PERSON.”
It became a matter of sincere honesty, as this ad from an 1859 copy of the New York Times points out:
“WITHOUT BEAUTY TO ATTRACT WORLD’S CROWD, OR GOLD TO ALLURE THE FORTUNE HUNTER, I AM,I BELIEVE, A TRUEHEARTED, REFINED, EDUCATED WOMAN, YOUNG, FRANK, AND MIRTHFUL…”
Here is another one from a Russian newspaper: ”
A WIDOWER, 42, WANTS TO MARRY A YOUNG WOMAN ‘WITHOUT A PAST’ WITH KNOWLEDGE OF MUSIC AND A FINE VOICE. A MOTHER IN LAW IS UNDESIABLE.”
“YOUNG VERY HANDSOME, INTELLIEGENT GEORGIAN, TEACHER, TALL, HEALTHY, MUSICIAN (SPECILAIZING IN VIOLIN) WANTS TO MARRY A RICH LADY WHO COULD GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY TO FINISH MUSICAL EDUCATION. AGE DOESN’T MATTER.” (Ad in Tbilisi, Georgia newspaper)
A severe gender imbalance–a byproduct of the now defunct one-child policy–is making it difficult for Chinese men to find wives. By 2020, an estimated 24 million Chinese men will be “bare branches,” or bachelors. Despite this, most advertisements in the Shanghai Marriage Market were about women. The advertisements are with photos, still a small proportion of people still mention their light skin tone and zodiac sign.
Let me return to Indian matrimonial ads: since traditionally matrimonial advertisements are placed by parents, they present their child as an ideal candidate for marriage, lending him or her most attractive features.
During the 1970s, the boys would look for ‘fair’, ‘homely,’ etc. brides. During the 1980s this changed to ‘beautiful and fair’ and ‘working’ -preferably a teacher. Post-liberalization, words such as ‘tall and slim’, ‘professional’, ‘cultured’ etc. started appearing.
Lately, hobbies such as ‘travelling,’ ‘swimming,’ ‘dancing’ etc… too find a mention in some of the ads.
One word that has remained constant relates to skin tone. It has always been ‘fair’ or even ‘very fair.’ According to Sriya Chattopadhyay, who has studied this phenomenon in great detail, ‘we do see the privileging of a lighter skin tone over a darker one in the ads.’
In his book ‘Mother-in-Law is a Pious Lady’, Santosh Desai refers to an ad put out by a groom that had in the copy “….my mother is a pious lady,” as if to reassure the prospective bride that she will be comfortable with her would- be mother-in-law.
Every matrimonial ad, whether ‘Grooms Wanted’ or ‘Brides Wanted’, reveals something about the seeker and what they want from their partner.
In an analysis of over 2000 matrimonial ads appearing in The Hindu and Times of India over four cohort years ( 2003, 2008, 2013 and 2018), researchers Ashita Aggarwal and Ambi Parameswaran found that 93 % of Indians still go for an arranged marriage. But ‘arranged;’ comes in many shades.
English publication readership is around 30 million in a country of 1.2+ billion so English newspapers do not fully reflect the reality of India, but they do show signs of how the country is changing.
Though the average age (male) mentioned in a classified ad has increased slightly from 27.3 years (2003) to 28.2 years (2018), the average age of women has gone up a little more from 25 years (2003) to 27 years (2018).
Interestingly, the requirement of the same caste has gone down significantly from 57.2 % to 30.8% in ‘Brides wanted’ ads and 67.2 % to 43.2% in ‘Grooms wanted’ ads in 2018.
The number of advertisements which specifically mentioned that ”caste is no bar’ have gone up over the years from 25.2% (Brides wanted) and 16.7% (Grooms wanted) in 2003 to 53.2% and 43.2% respectively in 2018.
The survey further reveals that among all features, height and skin complexion are given importance in the case of ‘Brides wanted’, height and overall looks seem to be important in the case of ‘Grooms wanted’ ads.
The primacy of text – and all its attendant ambiguities, its mysteries – dissolves entirely in the online matrimonial ads. The photograph is what matters most of all, making this niche space indistinguishable from popular social media platforms.
Meanwhile, not to be left out, wealthy dog owners are using matrimonial ads to find the perfect match for their pets. In a lane of Delhi’s Khan market neighborhood, there is a hard-to-miss matrimonial ad pinned to a wall: “lonely, fair and handsome, three -year- old Golden Labrador seeks homely female of the same community. Must be blonde, slim, beautiful, well behaved, well -groomed….”
One wonders whether pet owners will insist on horoscope matching. And how will they frame an ad for ‘pet divorcee’, if there is one?
Meanwhile, despite the sale of spirits going up, one also comes across the word “teetotaler” a lot in matrimonial ads nowadays. The other recurring dietary boast on the matrimonial pages is “vegetarian”. Of course, Hitler was both a teetotaler and a vegetarian, but try telling this to these young hopefuls.
My favourite matrimonial ad that is truly hilarious is from South Korea, which is experiencing an acute shortage of brides because the girls privilege working over marriage. This shortage is partially filled by female immigrant workers from not-so-affluent neighbouring countries.
Marriage brokers are using placards to attract prospective grooms:
“WE PROMISE VIETNAMESE WOMEN WHO WILL NEVER RUN AWAY.”
(The author works for reputed Apeejay Education, New Delhi)
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