Vijay Hashia
My six months spent with that teenager reminded me of my own childhood. The memories of playful tussles with friends, doodling on textbooks, and my stubborn and sometimes aggressive behavior, though unruly, were nonetheless enjoyable. At the age of ten, I had little understanding of goals or motivation to guide my learning and behavior. As I grew older, it felt as though Mother Nature had carved her own greatness within me. Perhaps, at that young age, I didn’t have many skills, intelligence, or temperament, but now I feel proud and content with the gifts bestowed upon me by nature, such as my passion for writing and my dedication to professional commitments apart from my involvement with social work.
Children often test the limits and boundaries set by their parents. Among adolescents, some rebellion and experimentation are common. However, a few children consistently engage in problematic behaviors that negatively affect their family, academic, social, and personal lives. These children are a significant concern for parents and the community. If a child is overtly defiant to authority and exhibits aggressive behavior, trouble may be looming. Regardless of how good a parent you are or how close your family is, your teen is not immune to the effects of relationship violence. Relationship-based abuse can happen to good, smart, and strong kids. Though you’d rather not think about it, the harsh reality is that it can happen to any child, with only a few exceptions.
Asking a child to do something beyond capacity is like asking one to stay afloat in troubled waters, as it’s impossible to swim in deep water, and if you force, one may drown. Ignoring the signs that they are not ready or unable to meet your expectations invites more trouble. We often live vicariously through our children. If a child doesn’t respond to what you push him to do, it can lead to irreparable damage. This undermines the development of self-esteem. Repeated failures may cause him to set the bar too low, withdraw from new experiences, and miss out on opportunities to avoid failure.
When a child fails to meet your expectations, you may feel resentment in the form of anger or frustration. The child will see their parent’s disappointment as rejection, leading to hostility, emotional withdrawal, a sense of incompetence, and conduct problems or delinquency. Comparing a child to another for scoring fewer marks will trigger anger not only towards parents but also towards siblings. Parents must explore their child’s areas of interest and talent, counsel, and encourage them in those fields.
The bottom line is that we must accept our children’s points of view and allow them to become who they will be. At the same time, acceptance should not be misinterpreted as permissiveness. Letting them do whatever they want whenever they want isn’t beneficial; homework must be done, family values respected, and consideration shown to everyone. Too many strictures, like controlling excessive TV, mobile watching, teasing siblings, or overindulging in chocolate, can disrupt family harmony. Instead, focus on positive activities like bike rides with dad, sharing a ride at an amusement park, or playing music together.
Kids are mentally sharp. They give clues, and we must help them set and achieve their goals. When parents are loving, accepting, and supportive, children often get motivated to exceed expectations. Parents fall short when they try to mould their children into being more intelligent, assertive, and graceful, ignoring or denying their real talents and temperaments. We must understand our children and examine our motives in wanting more from them. Sometimes, parents project their own unmet needs or shame onto their children. Do you want your child to take on what your parents forced upon you? Were you a mediocre player but hope for a trophy winner in your child?
Talk to other parents and read about child development to learn what you can expect from your child at each stage of life. Take time to see through their eyes. Do you act embarrassed by them? Do you point out their mistakes? Would you want to be treated that way? No one responds well to someone who is accusatory or judgmental. Refocus on your child’s strengths. Change your attitude towards your child. Observe their behavior-anger, fidgeting, procrastination. Ask yourself if they are under stress or relaxed. Expose them to a variety of environments, such as sports, arts, nature, and science. A parent’s main objective should be to raise a child who lives well, works well, and takes pleasure in life. A parenting style that works for one child may backfire for another.
Parenting, must delicate balance between guiding children and allowing them to chart their own course. Our role is not to mould them into our image but to recognize and nurture their unique gifts and passions. By fostering an environment of love, acceptance, and support, we can inspire them to reach beyond their limitations and embrace their full potential. Just as we reflect on our own journeys with a blend of nostalgia and growth, we must appreciate that our children’s paths are their own to tread. Through understanding, patience, and a willingness to see the world through their eyes, we can raise individuals who are not only resilient and accomplished but also deeply fulfilled and intrinsically motivated to lead lives of purpose and joy. Ultimately, the true measure of our success as parents lies not in the accolades they earn but in the happiness and contentment they find in their own authentic selves.
Follow our WhatsApp channel
