Ruchi Chouhan Khan
There hardly goes any day when killer roads of Jammu don’t claim precious lives leaving family members completely shattered. Needless to mention, I and my son, Fahad had a special bonding. Today when I dream of his being here by my side, he is not. Regretfully I was last week made to speak on his memorial car rally, the first ever of its kind to make people especially youngsters realise the importance of Life and Safety on Roads.
The brutal clutches of death snatched Fahad from us in a tragic car crash leaving us all shattered and heartbroken. There was nothing we could do to save him and likewise hundreds of people including young boys and girls lose their precious lives on these killer roads of Jammu and Kashmir State leaving their parents, siblings and friends shattered.
It was only a couple of years ago two young cousins lost their lives on almost same place where I lost my son Fahad though the accident was of different nature. Today when my life has been made miserable, I don’t want it to be made helpless as well. With the support of Fahad’s and mine friends I want to turn this tragedy into a purpose.
I want these road rages, uncalled for accidents, rash driving by youngsters, unsafe driving, and irresponsive behaviour of authorities towards these issues to end here. I am pretty sure that this is like swimming against the current but at the same time I am also dead sure that it’s not impossible to make a difference. I, and for that matter no parent would ever like to see or experience what happened to Fahad. Mundane things still haunt me. In order to move on, I intend to organise more such rallies and even speak several times to young people about the dangers of distracted and unsafe driving.
“You don’t think you can go on without your child, but you get out of bed and you take a step and you brush your teeth, and suddenly you look back and realize you’ve been living for quite some time after your child’s death,”. I know that I am one of thousands of parents who lost their children to auto accidents — many caused by someone texting, talking on a phone, driving while intoxicated or otherwise distracted. I believe that I and other such parents by sharing their stories can turn heartbreaks into something positive and prevent tragedies.
The silence of the house where there used to be constant phone calls and music or vehicles being parked or cars honking at the main gates today kills me. But, friends I have decided to move on and that too with your support. Sharing raw details of my son Fahad gives me a consolation that I might influence you all to stay safe, drive safe and always think of safety of your parents.
I want young people to feel responsibility for what could happen to them and their families. If you’re going to continue to text and drive then you better think of my ordeal so that your parents don’t have to deal with all that. These deaths of children are sudden, shocking, abrupt disconnection, and you cannot grasp it. The only way we can actually grasp it is by going over it and realizing the implications of it.
It takes courage to stand here and speak about your child but then I am sure that it makes people like me feel that we are doing something constructive. It is also a way to keep a connection to the child. It also honors the child. It gives the parents a way to talk about the child’s good qualities.
Time. It is not always on our side, especially in the grieving process. Since losing my son few months ago, I’ve heard many well-meaning folks tell me how much “time” I should be taking to heal. One month or One year? A common marker, but certainly not common for everyone. We are told, “It’s time to move on. Time to get over this. Time to get back to life.” How much time is enough time to “get over” death? And can we ever “get over” something as life-altering as the death of our child?
Was there some magic date on which I was supposed to feel better? Some point at which I wasn’t allowed to mention my sadness or pain when out socially? Was there some mathematical formula to calculate the duration of grief based on the severity of the loss? I decided that it was up to me, and only me, to know when I felt the start of healing. No one should be able to dictate to me when enough minutes, hours and days had been taken to be on the road to grief recovery.
I know now that I will never get over the loss of my child, yet I have now come far enough to “move forward” with positive living again. Yes, I still grieve. I will always grieve the death of my little boy. The difference is, I laugh again, I love again. The only reason for this is I want to see other children happy and safe for which this Fahad Mir Rally is being organised. .
To end this all I quote a poem:
If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.
You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the mist of this,
Watch me, your Mum grow old!
I hope you’re watching from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
I really do love you.
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